I am a drug addict.
A recovering drug addict but, an addict all the same. I haven’t embraced this publicly because frankly, I was ashamed. Ashamed of who I used to be, and the stereotypical image that comes attached with this “title.” I wanted to forget that chapter of my life and act like it never happened. Well, through my journey to add the word recovering in front of the word addict I’ve learned that as long as I stay in recovery I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am prepared for you all to talk, judge, whisper and gossip about this topic but, honestly that is my point. I want to get a dialog going and through that I hope to educate some about addiction and change that stereotypical image of a drug addict along with the popular thought that an addicts life is worthless.
Lately my Facebook timeline has been filled with articles all pertaining to the availability of Narcan. For those who don’t know what Narcan is, it’s an opioid antagonist in the form of a nasal spray and it is used to reverse the affect of opiates in an individual experiencing a heroin overdose. A lot of small town pharmacies, drug stores and big chain pharmacies are beginning to sell it over the counter without the need for a prescription. I’ve seen it so many times now and it’s almost always accompanied with comments along the lines of how horrible of an idea it is, how addicts are not worthy beings, and all addicts have chosen this life and want to suffer, that they deserve and are asking for death, oh and my favorites are now addicts won’t get help because they know they can be saved if they overdose and that they are now having “Narcan parties.” I could literally go on for an hour with the uneducated, greater than thou, self righteous, unsympathetic comments I’ve read but, i think you get the point. Ask any addict, one in recovery or one still using and they will all tell you the same thing, they hate Narcan. It’s sad but even though it can save their life, it takes away their high too. It will also send them precipitated withdrawal, I’ve never experienced this but, it is unimaginably horrible. Think a bunch of nails (the opioid agonist) hammered into a board (mu receptors in the brain), and imagine there is always a magnet (how quickly someone can metabolize the opiates) slowly pulling the nails back out. As long as you keep hammering (using opiates) in the nails they wont come out and you won’t go into withdrawal. If you stop hammering in the nails the magnet will slowly pull them out over a handful of days (that’s how “normal” withdrawal works). You get precipitated withdrawal when you introduce Narcan into the system of someone dependant on opiates, it’s like ripping out the nails all at once and replacing them with screws (opioid antagonist). The withdrawal that would usually last days now happens all at once. That’s the easiest and most relatable explanation I can come up with to explain it. So those “Narcan parties” are very far from the truth. Addicts want to avoid Narcan at all costs, even death. Some people in an overdosed state will come in and out of consciousness and while conscious will actually try to refuse it. It’s very sad but, it goes to show just how uneducated the vast majority of the public is about both addiction and Narcan.
I am a recovering addict and yes, it is very much true that when I was using I was an absolutely HORRIBLE human being and the same can be said for every single other addict when they are using but, my life, and their’s, still has value and a purpose. According to the opinion of, what seems to be, quite a lot, I am not valuable person, I should be dead, and my life was and is worthless. My children, parents, siblings, friends and boyfriend totally appreciate those opinions, too. My family asked me why I would want to write and share this when it deals with such a sensitive subject. They said that it will do nothing more than embarrass me. I share this because I don’t want to keep trying to portray this perfect person from a perfect family it’s me, it’s who I was and part of who I am today. Honestly it’s up to people like myself and other addicts in recovery to stand up and be the voice for those still too sick to defend themselves. We need to show the world we can and do come back from addiction. If you were to tell any using addict they deserved to die, we’re less than scum, and were worthless, they would, hands down agree with you.
I’m clean now but, when I was using, I overdosed, in my parents downstairs bathroom, and I am so unbelievably lucky to still be alive. A lot of others are not that fortunate, in 2014 alone, Ohio lost 2,482 lives to drug overdoses. I also know how incredibly lucky I am to be clean, as somewhere near 98% of heroin users relapse back into their sickness. Those are very shocking and sad statistics. Most of us are too embarrassed to even ask for help in the first place, and so are our families. Even now as I call my dad for for his advice about something, he’s trying to talk me out of this. He’s says “don’t put your name on it, you don’t have to broadcast our problems” and “you’re just going to embarrass the whole family!” This is very common with anyone who has or is dealing with an addict. No one wants their family member to be “one of those people”, they want to ignore the problem and keep it a secret because they are terribly embarrassed. Family will often enable before they would ever cut an addict off trying to keep their problems a secret. They think they are the only ones going through this struggle and that talking about an addict family member will cause public opinions of their family to immediately change. Think about it, when you are constantly bombarded with comments about how horrible, disgusting and worthless drug addicts are and that addicts stem from trashy, poor families, would you want to admit you are a drug addict or that a family member is? In reality everyone knows someone struggling with the disease and in order to fight back we need to start openly talking about it and stop being too ashamed and proud to ask for help. On one hand we are told to just stop using and to get help while on the other hand if you admit you’re an addict and need help you’re a drain on society, a worthless person and you have chosen that lifestyle so you don’t deserve help, especially not from my tax dollars. I’ve personally heard all of these things first hand.
Addiction is a disease, it is now scientific fact, and if your brain’s chemistry is off in just the right way, it can happen to you. Before an addict ever picks up for the very first time it has been proven that somewhere in the brain something is not wired correctly. Every single human brain in the world is wired differently from another’s, and no two people have the exact same chemistry in their bodies either that’s why we each have our own personalities and it’s also why there are people with diabetes, allergies, depression or anxiety, bi-polar disorder, ADD and ADHD, tourettes, autism, etc, etc, etc AND, drum roll please, addiction. Whether you want to admit it or not addiction is a disease, it’s not a moral problem nor a lack of will power. During high school or college kids will at one point or another go to a party or two. During one of those parties or anywhere else when prescription pain pills or other drugs are offered, it’s so easy to feel pressure to “just try it man” because you’ll “fit in” or “look cool” and “it’s not hard drugs”, plus all your friends keep saying “don’t be such a baby”. It’s just once, right? How many of you reading this can relate to a situation like that? From that one moment of lapsed judgment nobody can possibly know if they are the one who can simply walk away or if they are the unlucky one whose brain tells them they want more, next that they need more, then that they can’t get enough and eventually over a period of time they become that “worthless strung out junkie” whose life is not worth saving if they happen to overdose. It doesn’t help that there are Doctors handing out prescriptions like candy on Halloween. I mean let’s be honest, no one wakes up one day and says, “My goodness, it’s such a beautiful Tuesday. I’m going to become a heroin addict today, I can’t wait ’till I’m homeless, broke and worthless”. Heroin addiction starts after that first taste of euphoria from pills, whether it’s personally prescribed or experienced at a party. The need to buy off the street will come and over time they’ll need more pills but, will have less and less money eventually turning to the cheaper and stronger option, heroin.
Anyone can become an addict, I cannot say it enough. Addiction is so sad and it’s so hard to watch literally kill someone you love. It’s a horribly disgusting disease to experience first hand, it will take everything from you until it eventually takes your life but, there is hope and you can come back. Every single addict is someone’s child, or maybe someone’s brother or sister, cousin, mother or father, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, anyway you look at it they are all something to someone. Imagine watching your loved one destroy themselves, eventually finding them overdosed in your bathroom and the paramedics can’t get there in time and that person that you love so much, you’ll have to watch them die in your 
arms. Now, let’s go back in time before that day. You buy a dose of Narcan, just in case, because someone you love is struggling with addiction. You were embarrassed and ashamed to be seen buying it, and almost decided not to all together. I understand why but, you’re glad you decided to get it, because the night you find that person you love so much overdosed in your home and when the paramedics can’t get there in time, in this scenario, you have Narcan and you can at least bring that person out of the overdose long enough for the emts to get there and save their life. Narcan is a way to prevent the death of a loved one while we wait for them to reach rock bottom and become brave enough to get help. And if we have to save them 5, 6, 7, or 20 times, it doesn’t matter, that is still a valuable human life and after they get the help they need, like I did, they can and will become functioning parts of society once again. Yes, it’s very sad that there is even a need for this kind of thing but, there is just like there’s a need for insulin, or an epi-pen.
Even though, by some, my life was valued as worthless, I haven’t lost my life to addiction and I am back from the nightmare that I was living for so long. In recovery I’m a stay at home mother, I have 2 beautiful children, a beautiful home we bought last May, an amazing, healthy relationship, my friends and family are trusting me again, I can save money and I have a passion and love for life again, like I did before my addiction. When I open up and share my story with others some people find it hard to believe I ever was an addict, someone even said to me once “but, you’re different, you’re not like these other addicts”. But, I am and I cannot forget where I have been and who I was, forgetting your addiction and acting like it was never a part of you, that’s the first step towards relapse. The scars on my arms will forever serve as reminders of just how far gone I had become and when I think about the things I did during my addiction, I remember just how far I have come back. I thank God every day I was given a second chance, I thank him for all the people who loved me enough to cut me out of their lives and the ones who stuck by me and helped me find myself again. I thank him that I didn’t die from drugs. I ask him to watch over and help those still struggling. I hope that while they are still in their struggle they never forget that their life is valued, they are worthy, they can recover and there are people who love and pray for them everyday. Addiction doesn’t discriminate it’ll take mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, lovers, it’ll take anyone it can but, we are coming up with more and more ways to fight back and stop this disease from taking yet another valuable, beautiful and loved life. Why wouldn’t we want to embrace that? Addiction tried to take me and for awhile I wished it would but, today I am winning this battle.
Lauren Bishop
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