By Andrew Walsh
awalsh@wbcowqel.com
“If I could have one thing to do over.”
This simple rhetorical device served as a poignant framework to the speech that John Halligan gave at the Galion Middle School Thursday night.
Halligan’s son, Ryan, committed suicide at the age of 13 in 2003. He had been a victim of severe bullying, and the unfortunate recipient of some of the first waves of “cyber-bullying”. Ever since, John has been doing his best to share his son’s story and help parents understand this problem.
Halligan gave three speeches Thursday, one each to the junior high and then the high school, and his evening program was aimed at the parents. He stated that his presentation changes for the parents.
When speaking to the kids, he focuses more on the bullying interactions themselves. The three groups of a bullying altercation are the bully, the bullied, and the bystanders. He implores students not to be bystanders, be upstanders. Stand up to the bullies. Especially if the bully is someone you call a friend. Let them know, not even necessarily in a public setting, that this behavior is not acceptable. Approach them as a friend, if that person is a friend, and help them improve themselves.
When speaking to the parents, the tone of the speech naturally took a different shape. Since parents are rarely around when bullying altercations occur, they need to be more informed about which signs to look for. This is especially true in the age of the internet, and now that students have almost unfettered access to one another.
If the message could be broken down into one word, it would be awareness. Stay engaged with your kids and their social lives, especially their internet presence. Be active in managing where they are and how they are on the internet. And be on the lookout for signs of depression.
This was an area in particular where Halligan expressed extreme regret in how the situation involving his son played out. It was not necessarily the old adage of “missing signs”, but rather not knowing the best course of action with the signs that were presented. Depression, and suicidal depression, are very serious issues. Do not be afraid to ask the big questions if you think they are warranted. If you think your child has been having these thoughts, ask them. Not in a condescending way, such as “You wouldn’t do THAT would you?” But in a serious and straightforward way, “Have you had suicidal thoughts?”
Halligan shared a fairly routine daily interaction that happens between a parent and a teenager. “How was your day?” The parent would ask, to which the teenager would likely answer, “Fine” and continue walking to the bedroom. Halligan offered simple, but perhaps profound solution. The next time that situation comes up, ask, “How do you feel?”
“I thought it was very good,” audience parent Pam Narance said. “I think the schools should have some responsibility too, though,” she continued. “They’re here 50 percent of the day and I talk to a lot of parents who have the same problems.”
Elementary principal Jennifer Allerding was extremely happy to host the program. “I hope the parents take away a sense of awareness, of staying in tune and being proactive. Get involved in your children’s lives.”
“It’s really tough being a teenager right now, but I’m grateful to the people that were here tonight,” Allerding said.
“Parents, slow it down,” Halligan said, “We’re letting our kids grow up too quickly.”
Halligan has spoken at over 1,600 schools nationwide and said he still loves doing the student presentation the most. “There is always some kid out there who apologizes,” Halligan said.
He recounted a story from his last presentation, on Staten Island in New York. He was going through his normal presentation, when a kid in the crowd began crying. Another child rose from the audience and made his way forward to the front of the gym. He walked out front and center, and asked Halligan for the microphone. He made a complete apology, in full view of the student body, as the source of the crying child’s tears. It was a moment Halligan will never forget.
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